Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Feeling Child

This is an article by the excellent psychologist Alice Miller from her website
"I describe pictures of people, use histories of them as mirrors. And then many come and say, `This is exactly what I felt all my life but couldn't say.' I don't want to be a guru. I don't want people to believe me. I only encourage them to take their own experience seriously."
Alice Miller's stories portray abused and silenced children who later become destructive to themselves and to others. Adolf Hitler, says Miller, was such a child. Constantly mistreated by his father, emotionally abandoned by his mother, he learned only cruelty; he learned to be obedient and to accept daily punishments with unquestioning compliance. After years, he took revenge. As an adult he once said, "It gives us a very special, secret pleasure to see how unaware people are of what is really happening to them."
Miller, famed throughout Europe, wrote of Hitler's childhood in For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and The Roots of Violence. In the same work she lets Christiane F. tell her own story: "I had trouble telling the letters H and K apart One evening my mother was taking great pains to explain the difference to me. I could scarcely pay attention to what she was saying because I noticed my father getting more and more furious. I always knew what was going to happen. He went out and got the hand broom and gave me a trouncing. Now I was supposed to tell the difference between H, and K. Of course by that time I didn't know anything anymore, so I got another licking and was sent to bed." Christiane went into the street and became a drug addict.
"We do not need books about psychology in order to learn to respect our children," Miller says. "What we need is a total revision of the methods of child rearing and our traditional view about it. Read on

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Using EFT for Abundance

Abundance is an energy that we are a part of naturally. Abundance does not just mean having loads of money. Though if that is what you want, go for it! What does abundance mean? It is the state of feeling like you have plenty. This 'state' is an energetic state and is related to a feeling or state of gratitude. Abundance has little to do with externals and everything to do with how we feel.

Take nature as an example. Does a flower worry that a bee will come to collect her pollen? No. Does the sun descend worrying that the next day she won't be able to rise again? No. Do you refuse to go to sleep because you worry the next day, you will not wake up? Not usually. Nature is abundant by nature.

Using Emotional Freedom Techniques to dissolve and release any energetic disruptions and disturbances (usually limiting, false and conflicting beliefs you hold about yourself, life and others due to 'negative' life experiences) will help you to realise what your true nature is: Abundant, Creative, Loving, Kind, Beautiful, Expansive and Receptive. This is the energy of intention.

Many of us are focusing on what we don't want, consciously or unconsciously. What we believe to be true, will be true for us and will show up as our life experience. Issues such as safety, deserving and permission can and do block our good. EFT helps us to dissolve beliefs that do not serve our highest good and remember who we truly are at our core.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Using Emotional Freedom Techniques for Bullying

Bullying is a lot more prevalent than we realise. It isn't just confined to a children's playground. Bullying often occurs with adults too and not only in the workplace. How do we define bullying? In short, it can be any time you say 'No' and the other person does not take 'No' for an answer and keeps persisting. This is your first clue that this person is trying to control you. This is usually why we get that uneasy feeling, but may justify it away. Maybe we think to ourselves “I'm just being silly”, “Oh, that person is really pushy”, or “Should I have said 'Yes', was I being mean?”.
The most useful definition of bullying I have found is the following from Dan Olweus
"A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."

This definition includes three important components:
1. Bullying is aggressive behaviour that involves unwanted, negative actions.
2. Bullying involves a pattern of behaviour repeated over time.
3. Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

Types of Bullying include:
1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting
4. Bullying through lies and false rumours
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully
7. Racial bullying
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)
Perhaps the most insidious types of bullying are numbers 2 and 4 - Bullying through social exclusion or isolation and Bullying through lies and false rumours . They are the most difficult to 'prove' at the very least. You may find yourself in the position where others may not support you or believe you, in which case you may doubt yourself even further, which is a vicious cycle. It is like as if the bully 'smells' this insecurity and may 'up' their tactics. Trusting your 'No' response initially is a healthy sign of self trust and may help things digressing any further with the bully. It is a sign of knowing who you are and being comfortable with that. This is one of the most effective ways of you not being bullied, as bullies usually 'pick on' people they feel they can pick on. EFT is ideal for treating all the different aspects and issues involved here. This in no way places blame on the person being bullied, nor condones any bullying behaviour. Rather, it puts the power back into the person's hands to act on their instincts and do something about the bully without the situation continuing and getting out of hand.

Many many people have left jobs, homes, relationships and so on because of bullies. And the bully stays, continues with their behaviour because far too often there have been no consequences, and goes on to their next 'victim'. In many cases they are even 'rewarded', particularly in the work place, as bullying can be viewed as a 'managing' of people. Doing something about it, while you can, and before your self esteem is so low that you don't know whether you are coming or going, will, without a doubt, help everyone in the long run. Using EFT for all the feelings (particularly fear, stress, doubt, humiliation and lack of self trust) that come up is invaluable.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The pressure cooker analogy

When we bottle up our emotions and feelings, it shunts lots of energy into certain places and diverts and blocks energy in other places in our bodies and minds. Feeling like we can't express how we feel - usually because it's just not safe to do so - makes us feel like we're going to 'blow'. And we usually do!!  - at the most inopportune moments.  The longer we deny how we really feel, the bigger that pressure cooker becomes. While we're (re)learning to express our feelings and emotions more healthily, we'll likely swing between being passive and aggressive. Both are forms of anger. Being passive makes us angry with ourselves and gives us another chance to judge and criticise our self which depletes our energy. And being aggressive is usually an inappropriate way of getting angry at others. Whether we feel 'justified' or not - others usually tune out when they see and hear us behaving like raving lunatics!! When we allow ourself to feel all our feelings, we'll find a more peaceful and assertive way to communicate with ourself and others because there won't be a big volcano of unprocessed emotions waiting to erupt!

Tap along to the following script to help you let some of that steam out and feel more peaceful.

Even though I feel I'm ready to blow (you can fill in the reason(s) here if you like), I completely accept how I feel and I choose not to judge or criticise how I am feeling right now, I just want to let off some steam and that's okay!!!!

Even though_________really makes me mad! and I have every reason to feel this way, I honour how angry I feel

Even though my blood is boiling, I choose to let some of this anger go FOR ME so I can feel more at ease and peaceful

TH: This anger
EB: I'm going to blow my top!
SE: It's been bubbling for a long time
UE: I'm ready to let it go
UN: No I'm not
UC: Why should I?
CB: I'm steaming mad
UA: All these feelings bubbling inside

TH: I acknowledge I feel this way
EB: I'm sick of pretending
SE: And stuffing it all inside
UE: For who???
UN: I'm only hurting me
UC: I'm exhausted!!
CB: I NEED to let some of this go
UA: But I don't know how

TH: I'll just keep tapping
EB: And tapping
SE: I feel the way I feel and that's it!
UE: I choose to express how I feel, even if only to myself
UN: That feels good
UC: I feel more relieved
CB: I choose to give myself permission to say anything to me about how I feel
UA: I choose to feel my feelings and let some of this pressure dissolve

You can also substitute whatever emotion you like into the set up statement and reminder phrases, such as fear, anxiety, stress, resentment, guilt, shame and so on. Stuffing anything down will make us feel like a pressure cooker waiting to go off, so the kind thing to do is to acknowledge how we feel - even if only to ourselves and use EFT to dissolve the charge.

Friday, July 17, 2009

When someone says something nice to you

How do you respond when someone says something nice to you about you? Is there a little voice  - your inner critic - inside  your head that objects? What are the objections? Something like:

... if they only knew who I really was
... No, I'm not
... Yes, but
... Yeah, sure!
... If only
... I don't deserve that compliment
... are they taking the ****?
... what do they want?
... No way!
... I'll never be_____enough - fill in the blank
... I don't trust them
... I don't believe that for one minute

Whatever the tailenders are in your mind - i.e. any additions, objections, negative self talk, self judgements, self criticisms etc, you have just been given a GOLDEN opportunity to tap on your true affirmations. Your affirmations about who you believe you are, what you deserve and what is safe for you to have and be (not necessarily what you want to be true but what is actually true for you according to your beliefs). These are the core beliefs and issues that are attracting things and people that match up with your corresponding beliefs. So now you really can thank someone for a compliment, even if you don't believe it, they've just given you a great opportunity to tap on all your negative self talk! 

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Using EFT for tinnitus

As with any issue, tune in to how you are feeling about having the condition or issue first. Usually quite easy with tinnitus! Are you frustrated, exasperated, stressed or feeling helpless? Look for the metaphors; not hearing, hearing too much! not wanting to hear what you're hearing, irritation and so on. Rule out any mechanical or medical causes by checking with your doctor.

If you have any questions you can email me at

Saturday, July 11, 2009

... and all that it represents

I have found inserting this sentence - and ALL that it represents - into the EFT set up statement is very powerful. If you're feeling overwhelmed or just don't know where to start with your issues, this can really help. For example:

Even though I have this lump in my throat and all that it represents, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway - repeat whatever reminder phrase on all the points - whatever has the most charge or meaning for you, i.e. 'lump in my throat' etc.

Even though I feel angry and all that it represents, I accept how I feel anyway.

Even though I have a knot in my stomach and all that it represents, I accept myself exactly as I am.

As you say the set up or tap through the points, things may pop up. Tap on whatever comes up, objections, feelings, smells, sounds, memories, anything and everything. You'll find that whatever comes up is coming up for resolution and healing in that moment. Trust yourself and keep tapping! EFT shortcut and basic recipe diagrams here.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Is it safe to change?

This is an excellent three part series by EFT master Carol Look.
In the early days of EFT and TFT, the topic of “safety” was considered one of the subjects therapists would treat as a cause for “energy reversals.”  Being “reversed” meant that your energy system was temporarily upside down, confused, or not working efficiently, and either your system would not “take” the treatment to begin with or the treatment would not “stick.”  There were and still are many complicated ways to address and treat this problem.  However, treating the real issue --- being afraid to change --- with the basics of EFT has always worked in my practice.
If someone was apparently reversed --- meaning energy therapies weren’t working on them --- the conclusion was made that there were some emotional reasons for not wanting to change.  Safety, not deserving, being unwilling to do what it takes, not being able to accept yourself unless you change --- all of these conflicts were considered tappable issues using the standard reversal setups statements.
When my answer to numerous emails this week centered around encouraging clients to allow themselves to feel safe to change before forging ahead, it reminded me that feeling safe is the bottom line regardless of what technique you are using, whether traditional talk therapy or EFT.  If your body and mind are not congruent with the consequences of releasing the old patterns, you will not feel safe to change or stay changed and nothing permanent will come of the therapy.  In other words, if your energy system is “reversed” because it feels emotionally threatening on any level to make the changes, you will eventually regress to the original behavior, habit, or fear.  In some cases, you won’t regress, however, you will be left with an odd empty feeling, as you don’t feel quite right with the “new” you.
We often use our problems and conflicts to protect ourselves from something --- feelings, confrontations, truths --- it doesn’t matter what we feel the need to protect ourselves from, it only matters that we have developed these patterns because our mind is telling us we need to.
So you need to take a good honest look at what might not feel safe to you if you change in order to find the tappable issues.  By the way, this isn’t “bad” if you don’t feel safe, it is merely feedback from your organism.  We all feel unsafe to varying degrees about moving forward or releasing old habits and conflicts.  Sometimes the reasons are irrational and illogical because of what and how we learned certain lessons from our childhood.  Sometimes the reasons make perfect sense to us on a conscious level.  It doesn’t really matter.  The point is, if you don’t feel safe, you won’t change and stay changed.
The first clue that you may have this issue of SAFETY blocking your forward movement is that your treatment is neither working very well nor sticking in the long term.  Below are important questions, explanations, and suggested tapping sequences for possible reasons you might not feel entirely safe to move forward in your personal, professional, or physical life. Read on

Tuesday, July 07, 2009


I find the best reframes always come from the client. When they have felt what they needed to feel, the reframes come naturally - usually from them, with some gentle questioning from you to draw out their core issues and beliefs. It is crucially important not to push people towards what you think they 'should' be feeling or experiencing. Listening to what the person says and feels in the moment is so important and is essential for building trust and rapport. Without these key ingredients the person will not feel safe enough to open up, which defeats the whole purpose of doing EFT effectively.

Read this article on reframing by EFT master Tania Prince.
Mastering the art of reframing is one more tool in your therapeutic arsenal that can help you become even more effective in gaining results using EFT. Reframing is also fun for both the therapist and client. With that in mind, this article contains information on a stunningly easy, fun reframe. It is one I commonly use.
What is Reframing?
Reframing is the art and skill of helping people change their perspective and view on their issues. Reframing is a powerful therapeutic tool that can create profound and fast change. EFT and reframing are commonly combined. There are many different types of reframes that can be used. The particular method highlighted in this article is a very simple and powerful method that I have used many times highly successfully. It is also easy to use and master. 
Example: Dealing with an Alcohol Addiction 
The following case was taken from the work I did with Carmen (not her real name), a client who had an alcohol addiction. At the point in the therapy where we talked about the below we had already made massive progress with the client’s drinking issue. She had stopped and was now only having an occasional rare binge.
Questioning her about the binges, Carmen said they only occurred when her boyfriend went out.  Whenever he left the house she had a sense fear that something dreadful would happen to him and that he wouldn’t come back. She went on to explain that this feeling had been something she had experienced throughout her life. (This statement implies that the causative event for this feeling was early in her life). Read on

Saturday, July 04, 2009

EFT tips

1. Be specific – learn more about the importance of being specific here.
2. Treat different aspects – an aspect to a problem or issue is a feature or part of that issue, not necessarily the entire issue. For example, an aspect can be a shift in emotion from fear to anger to sadness or it can be something hurtful someone said to you (one part) the look on their face (second part) and maybe the tone of voice they used too (third part). Experience will reveal different aspects and you will start looking for them automatically to be really thorough in your tapping.
3. Say the 'unsayable' - even if just to yourself - your body knows you feel this way and is manifesting the symptoms – what you deny, disown or repress will show up in your body.
4. Tune in to how you are feeling – you can correct the short circuit in your energy system when you are actually feeling and experiencing it.
5. If you're feeling really upset, continuously tap until you feel calmer, you don't need to say anything as you are already tuned in.
6. Keep tapping on points that feel sore or tender until they feel better, stay on that one point before you move onto the next one.
7. Breathe deeply while tapping. Try the constricted breathing technique to help you do this, often our breathing is the first thing to be effected by stress.
8. Experiment with the karate chop point and the sore spot and see which is more effective at correcting psychological reversal (any objection, conscious or unconscious, that you may have to healing) for you.
9. Say the set up statement very emphatically or shout it if your intensity is not moving after a round or two.
10. The 'right' words are always your words, insert exactly how you feel into the set up statement and repeat the words/feelings that have the biggest charge for you as a reminder phrase.
11. You can use either hand or both hands to tap if you wish and you can switch sides during tapping, approximately 7 taps on each point is sufficient.
12. Tap on how you feel about having the issue/problem, very often this can be a block to making progress with the issue itself.
13. Identify the beliefs or conclusions you came to about yourself as a result of an event, tap on these beliefs too. You will most probably find a pattern between events and the beliefs you hold.
14. State what you really desire, if you hear any objections in your head, like for example "yes, but" these are your true affirmations. You can tap on these to dissolve them, Gary Craig calls these 'tailenders'.
15. Drink water - water conducts electricity so good hydration is important.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

EFT script for guilt

You can modify the set up statements as you go through this script. Keep tapping until you reach zero, you may need to tap on some specific events if they pop up during tapping. See this as an opportunity to clear the events and related beliefs, not as something else to feel guilty about!

Even though I feel so guilty, I accept how I feel and choose not to fight it anymore
Even though this guilt is consuming me, I completely love and accept myself anyway
Even though I feel I am wrong, I completely love and accept myself anyway
TH: This guilt
EB: It feels hot
SE: It feels horrible
UE: I feel horrible
UN: There's something wrong with me
UC: I am wrong
CB: I don't want to feel this way
UA: I want it to go away

TH: Remaining guilt
EB: What did I do wrong?
SE: Me, I'm wrong
UE: Remaining horrible guilt
UN: Remaining guilt
UC: Remaining feeling of wrongness
CB: I hate the guilt
UA: It's horrible

TH: I can choose peace instead of this
EB: No I can't!
SE: Yes, I can
UE: I deserve to be punished!
UN: Because I did something wrong
UC: Maybe I can see it differently
CB: I choose to forgive myself
UA: But I didn't do anything wrong!

TH: I choose peace
EB: I deserve peace
SE: No, I don't
UE: Yes, I do
UN: I am a good person
UC: It's shifting
CB: It's lessening its hold on me
UA: I feel lighter