Monday, February 23, 2015

Fear of conflict tapping script

Have you ever remained quiet when someone said or did something awful and stewed about it afterwards? I have, many times. It actually feels a lot worse than challenging the person about their behaviour at the time it happens. Being a peace lover is not the same as being a peace maker. Making peace involves standing up for yourself and holding the other person accountable for what they have done and said. Whether they choose to take responsibility or not is not under your control, but it is your answer as to whether it is worth your while having this person in your life. Setting and respecting your boundaries creates genuine, authentic peace. It's good for you and ultimately good for the other person, even if they don't realise it at the time, or ever.

What often stops us from challenging another person on their behaviour is our fear of conflict. So we stay quiet. Which often gives implicit permission to the other person to continue with their bad behaviour. They don't seem to mind conflict, in fact they might even thrive on it. But I can guarantee if you challenge them and stand up for yourself, they'll soon get pretty tired of being rude or unkind, if only because they don't want to listen to you challenging their behaviour.

Try tapping on the following sentences and see if they help, as always, make sure to customise the words for your unique situation.

Even though I'm afraid of conflict because (what's the worst that could happen?) I completely accept how I feel about that

Even though I feel this conflict ... (where do you feel it in your body, is it everywhere or in one spot?) I accept these feelings and sensations

Even though these sensations feel ... I am willing to be present with them

Top of the head: This fear
Eyebrow: Of conflict
Side of eye: Of raised voices
Under the eye: Of someone being angry with me
Under the nose: If I stand up for myself
Under the chin: If I speak up
Collar bone: Wait a minute
Under the arm: Why are they angry with me?!

Top of the head: I'm the one who should be angry
Eyebrow: They're causing this conflict, not me
Side of eye: I'm trying to avoid it
Under the eye: Because ...
Under the nose: I'm afraid
Under the chin: Of ...
Collar bone: This fear reminds me of ...
Under the arm: And I'm reacting in the same way as I did then

Top of the head: To protect myself
Eyebrow: But is it working now?
Side of the eye: Is avoiding conflict working?
Under the eye: I'm scared that ...
Under the nose: And I acknowledge this fear
Under the chin: I can feel this fear
Collar bone: And not act on it
Under the arm: I know what's right

Top of the head: I just can't bring myself to do it
Eyebrow: Because of fear
Side of the eye: My fear is freezing me
Under the arm: I can't seem to act
Under the nose: Because I'm frozen
Under the chin: I can melt some of this frozen feeling
Collar bone: By feeling it
Under the arm: And not avoiding it

Top of the head: I can tell that person how I feel
Eyebrow: And if they don't like it
Side of the eye: So what?
Under the eye: But I still feel afraid
Under the nose: And that's ok
Unde the chin: Maybe they even sense my fear
Collar bone: And that's why they dump their crap onto me
Under the arm: But I don't have to take it any more

Top of the head: I have a choice
Eyebrow: Even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way
Side of the eye: I can choose not to take ...
Under the eye: That feels ... (empowering?)
Under the nose: I have a choice
Under the chin: I can make choices that serve me
Collar bone: Which will ultimately serve everyone
Under the arm: That feels ...

Monday, February 16, 2015

Love is all we need

Hopefully we'll have started our journey in this life, wanted and loved. The research on the importance of love just keeps growing, as if we needed any reminding of it. We know full well the importance of being loved, how it feeds and nourishes us in every way possible. As Stephen Porges says in the video below "We are mammals. We cannot regulate ourself in isolation. Everything has to do with co-regulation".

This might be of some comfort to those who feel like "failures" because they just can't seem to get a handle on things by themselves. I don't think we're supposed to be able to do it all ourselves. That's why the relationships we have in our lives are so important. That doesn't mean that we can't be independent to a certain degree, or can't give ourselves some of what we need, but the fact is, as a species, we are interdependent. There's no shame in that whatsoever. In fact, I think embracing that fact, takes a lot of pressure off us. We don't do well when we're lonely or when our relationships are difficult or even non existent.

Love is all we need is a cliché, but it's true. It's absolutely true, none of us thrive without love. (Hopefully, we'll also have the necessities like clean water, food and shelter too though, love doesn't feed an empty stomach or a freezing body). But if you look at children who are on the street with their parents, it's a hell of a lot different to the children who are completely alone and vulnerable.

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another ~ Thomas Merton, Love and Living

Monday, February 09, 2015

It's exhausting to lie

When you do EFT on the truth of how you feel, it works wonders. Some people call this tapping on the negative, or affirming the negative, but I call it telling the truth. Telling the truth is a huge relief and relieves a lot of pressure, if not all of it. Lying to yourself or others is absolutely exhausting. As Gary Craig says, it's like trying to hold a huge beach ball under water, it takes a lot of energy.

Tell the truth when you tap, you're not being negative, you're not affirming the negative, the negative won't stay forever, and if you have any of these fears when you go to tap on something, tap on these beliefs first! It will clear the way for you, many beliefs can act as an electric fence around the real issue, and every time we try to touch it (clear it), we get an electric shock. When an issue doesn't clear, we get frustrated and think EFT isn't working for us, but it's often because we have the beliefs that I mentioned above and we aren't as honest as we could be about how we truly feel.

The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off by gloria steinem

Monday, February 02, 2015

Being shamed for your needs

We can be shamed for a lot of things but I think one of the most damaging ways we can be shamed is for having needs when we are children. Having needs make us very vulnerable and we need others to meet those needs, so we're essentially shamed for being helpless which is unbelievably damaging. If the very need for our parents, along with our need for love, comfort and being soothed are shamed we'll question our worth, our belonging, our sense of deserving to even be here.

So we'll try and pretend that we're not vulnerable and that we don't have needs which is absolutely impossible. This is a helpless situation and helplessness is one of the core ingredients of trauma. What often happens later is that vulnerability is associated with helplessness so every time vulnerability (that is, a need comes up) we'll feel ashamed of ourselves for even having the need in the first place, which again leads to a feeling of being helpless.

This is why it's so important to tap on feeling deserving and worthy of your needs, your needs make you human. They encourage (or force!) you to be vulnerable, to reach out, to ask for something, to connect. Whatever way we look at it, we'll always have needs and there will be times when only others can meet those needs. Our needs are a constant opportunity to heal who we think/believe we are.

Try saying the following phrases out loud and see if there are any objections. Rate their truth (0 to 10) and see where you go with them when you start tapping.

I deserve to be here.

I deserve to have my needs met.

It is okay to have needs.

My needs make me ...

I am/feel helpless when ...

It is okay to be/feel vulnerable.