Why the human response to threat is so important

How we respond when we feel threatened is hugely important. I believe a sense of threat can only be truly measured subjectively. What matters is that the threat feels or is perceived as real.

When we feel threatened and/or frightened we can enter what is called tonic immobility (also called the freeze response) and/or we can peritraumatically dissociate. If a threat is not defused and we internalise it, trauma results. That's how important our response to feeling threatened is and why we need to listen to what people say and feel and take it seriously.

I would strongly argue that trauma cannot be measured objectively and my recent thesis for my MA in counselling and psychotherapy was all about these very topics. I argued that there is an inherent link between tonic immobility, trauma and dissociation (peritraumatic and posttraumatic). It is a subject that I find fascinating and is very close to my heart. Over the next few weeks I will post excerpts of my thesis here.

Wanting to forget

Wanting to forget something painful is understandable. On closer inspection though, it is another form of resistance. Resistance doesn't work in the long run, as a recent article from goodtherapy.org says "Many individuals who have survived a traumatic life event wish to simply forget about the experience, hoping that forgetting will be synonymous with overcoming. However, it is not possible to erase pivotal life experiences or to truly forget about them. The human mind and body remember and clamor for healing". My colleague Puja Kanth Alfred has written a great article on the need to forget or disown our stories by rewriting our memories.

I sometimes wonder whether the need to forget or disown our stories is stronger in others rather than in ourselves. Let's be honest, the pressure in society to be "positive" and "move on" is strong, even if that sense of positivity is feigned or forced. We therefore receive a lot of societal support in disowning, pretending, forgetting, dissociating, distracting and avoiding. It takes a huge amount of courage to face our pain and sometimes we can feel very alone in doing so.

Our need to forget can also ensure our survival in many cases, but again this sense of survival is short term. Surviving only gets us so far until the cracks start to show. Sooner or later, we need to address and heal our pain. What usually happens is physical and psychological symptoms worsen so they get our attention. We can see this in various different ways, I prefer to see these symptoms as a way of making us take our pain seriously. Serious enough so that we do something about it so it doesn't hurt so much, or at all. 

Your confusion is not pathology, it is path

I'd like to share this article that a friend shared with me from sounds true by Matt Licata.

It's certainly not the easiest of paths but it's the one that resonates with me as being the most true and honest. While our resistance is so understandable, it just doesn't work. And I know that from experience.

"There are movements of somatic wisdom arising within you that contain very important information for your journey. If you will provide shelter for what is burning within, you will see that these are no ordinary messengers. They are harbingers of integration, sent from beyond to reveal the wholeness that is the signature of this dimension. Nothing is missing, nothing is out of place, nothing need be sent away. Inside your body, in the center of your emotions, in the core of your somatic experience the sacred world is wild and alive. Feel it, friends. You have been brought to right here and right now, for this". Read on

Love is the absence of anxiety ~ Wilhelm Reich

I am enough

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick ~ Brené Brown

Feeling acceptable, wanted, worthy, enough and feeling that you belong are all related. And it starts with our caregivers right at the beginning of our lives. The question is can you feel this way even if your parents didn't want you, found you unacceptable or didn't think you were worthy? 

When we love and accept ourself it is impossible to make someone else feel unworthy, undeserving or unacceptable. You didn't know it as a child, but these issues weren't yours. Whatever we believe becomes our truth, even if it isn't true. Try tapping on these phrases and make sure to change them to suit you.

Even though I don't feel that I am enough, I accept how I feel

Even though I don't feel I belong, I accept myself anyway

I need ... to feel that I'm enough

I need ... to feel that I belong

I need ... to feel acceptable

I need ... to feel accepted

It feels possible to feel I belong

It feels possible that I can be enough

I am worthy of ...

I am not worthy of ...

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect ~ Brené Brown

Freedom from emotions

I think there are some misconceptions as to what emotional freedom really means. It does not mean freedom from emotions, it means the freedom to feel emotions without any shame, anger, guilt or any other barrier that prevents us from fully feeling them.

Any emotion (or anything or anybody for that matter) can have an energetic charge for us. It is that charge that we are looking to dissolve with EFT so we can have freedom or peace around whatever it is. We will still remember it, but it doesn't have any charge for us. That's real emotional freedom, or peace.

You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level ~ Eckhart Tolle

What are you used to?

Whatever you're used to will feel comfortable. If you're used to being criticised and disrespected you might feel uncomfortable if someone treats you well. You might find yourself pushing that person away, because you just can't handle someone being nice to you.

In that sense, love, kindness or respect might feel like a "negative" thing in your life. Even though you desperately want these things, you can't let them in, you can't let yourself be loved because you don't want to be hurt, again, or you might feel you just don't deserve to be loved or cherished. Any emotion will feel "negative" if we don't allow it to pass through, in and out. Just like we do with our food. We become emotionally constipated when we don't allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully.

Until you deal with your hurt and pain you will find it nearly impossible to forgive. I believe there is too much emphasis on forgiving in the spiritual literature. Give yourself a break and deal with you for the time being. If you're not ready or willing to forgive, it simply means you are still hurting. Take that seriously, respect and trust yourself enough to know that there is more you need to heal. Take your time and be patient and kind with yourself. When you've healed your hurts, you won't even need to forgive, you'll just accept things the way they are, or the way they were. Accepting something however does not mean putting up with it.

I love the quote below, because you have to trust and respect yourself enough to know what is unacceptable for you. It all comes down to what you know to be true. And that knowing comes with trusting yourself and your feelings. If you don't feel your feelings, you won't be able to learn to trust them.

Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable ~ Denis Waitley

What to tap on?

In my experience there is absolutely no point in tapping (or doing any emotional work) if you are not going to be as honest as you possibly can. At least with yourself.

Many times I hear the question "Why do we tap on the negative?" and I wince. Why is feeling sad or angry or fearful "negative"? It might certainly feel that way. But there is probably a very good reason as to why you feel that way in the first place. When we block our emotions and don't feel them, they feel "negative".

What I know for sure is fighting or resisting the way we feel keeps us stuck. So do yourself a favour and tap on the TRUTH of how you feel. There is no better way to correct the short circuit in our energy systems that can create so much havoc, heartbreak and exhaustion. You will feel enormously relieved when you tell the truth and tap on it. Even if only to yourself.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off ~ Gloria Steinem

I belong

Do you feel you belong? Do you feel you have a right to be here? Do you feel worthy and deserving of having good in your life? Try the following script, please customise it for yourself.

Even though I don't feel I belong and that makes me feel ... I deeply and completely accept how I feel right now

Even though not belonging feels ... I am completely okay

Even though it hurts not to belong (to ...) I completely accept how hurt I feel

Top of the head: This hurt
Eyebrow: This emptiness
Side of the eye: This yearning
Under the eye: To ...
Under the nose: To be loved
Under the mouth: To belong
Collar bone: To feel comforted
Under the arm: To feel warmth

Top of the head: To feel sheltered in every sense
Eyebrow: To feel safe
Side of the eye: To feel okay to be who I am
Under the eye: Whoever and whatever that is
Under the nose: I have a right to be here (listen out for any objections)
Collar bone: But others ...
Under the arm: I need others' approval

Top of the head: Before I can belong
Eyebrow: Before I can feel at home
Side of the eye: Before I can feel worthy
Under the eye: Before I can feel enough
Under the nose: I need others to feel I belong
Under the mouth: I can't belong without others
Collar bone: I yearn to be loved (by ...)
Under the arm: I long to be loved (by ...)

Keep tapping until you feel a shift, or you get an insight. This a core issue so it might take a while. Be patient and kind with yourself.

That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald