Christmas

I don't think many of us are neutral in how we feel about Christmas, it can bring up all sorts of memories and feelings. I was listening to an Irish psychotherapist on television giving advice to people having issues with their family, with Christmas coming they were feeling worse about any issues or conflicts. What struck me most is the difficulty that many of us have in being honest, with ourselves and with others. And even if we are honest with ourselves, it is not always possible to share that honesty with others, for lots of different reasons. Christmas has a way of either reminding us how connected and loved we feel, or how lonely and diconnected we feel.

However, I do believe that none of us are successful in hiding how we truly feel, it usually comes out in various different ways, not the least of which can be snide, mean and unkind comments or actions (even if we feel justified). By coincidence I came across this quote by the great Alice Miller: If it is very difficult for you to criticise your friend [or family], you are safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue.

Anything that reminds us of how we truly feel is an opportunity to get clear and heal. It is in times of stress that how we truly feel about ourselves and others comes to the fore. If a belief makes you feel bad, horrible, unlovable or unacceptable, consider the possibility that you do not have to believe this belief, even if you have had it your whole life. Just because it is a deeply entrenched belief does not make it the truth, it makes it your truth, or what you have believed to be true, which you can change.

I wish everyone a peaceful and joyful Christmas and New Year, hope it's your best year yet!

The importance of willingness

The old saying, where there is a will, there is a way, has a lot of truth to it. I believe being willing is absolutely essential on our healing journey. When we're willing, it means we're ready to take responsibility for ourselves and acknowledge what's there, even though it might be difficult and even excruciating sometimes.

If we find we're not willing for whatever reason, we can tap on it. We can tap on ANYTHING, that is the beauty of tapping. Even being willing to admit that we're not willing is a huge step and can set the ball rolling. Try the following script to help you, please customise for you and your unique circumstances.

Even though I'm not willing to change, I completely accept that that is how I feel right now

Even though part of me is willing and another part is not (because ... fill in the blank, GUESS if you don't know) that is perfectly ok, I acknowledge this conflict

Even though I don't feel willing because I'm scared of ... I accept my fear

Top of head: I'm not willing
Eyebrow: And that's ok
Side of eye: I'm just not ready to make any changes
Under the eye: I feel scared
Under the nose: I refuse to budge
Under the mouth: Until I'm ready
Collar bone: And even if I never feel ready
Under the arm: I can accept myself anyway (watch out for any tailenders [objections] here and tap on them if there are any)

Top of the head: I acknowledge my hesitancy
Eyebrow: To ...
Side of eye: It's ok to feel afraid
Under the eye: The familiar is comfortable
Under the nose: I don't like uncertainty
Under the mouth: It makes me feel ...
Collar bone: And that's ok
Under the arm: I'll make changes when I'm ready

Top of the head: And only then
Eyebrow: That makes me feel ...
Side of eye: I honour how I feel about all of this
Under the eye: Even if it's difficult
Under the nose: Even if a part of me wants to change
Under the mouth: And another part is afraid of change and all that it might mean
Collar bone: I honour my fear
Under the arm: I honour the fact that I'm willing to tap on all my feelings about this

Top of the head: That is a huge step forward for me
Eyebrow: I acknowledge all of my feelings
Side of eye: Even the difficult ones
Under the eye: The feelings that are hard to feel
Under the nose: I'm willing to admit that I find it hard to feel certain emotions because ...
Under the mouth: I'm tapping through this
Collar bone: Even though I find it difficult
Under the arm: I honour my willingness to admit I'm not willing in some areas of my life

The willing, Destiny guides them. The unwilling, Destiny drags them ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The "problem" child

The language we use is so telling. The truth is no one behaves well or badly in a vacuum. We are responding to our environment and everything in it and it is all relevant and needs to be taken into account.

Whenever help is sought or given for a "problem" child, help is needed for the entire family. It can be all too easy to scapegoat, blame and project. What is needed first and foremost is willingness and accountability, particularly on the part of any adults in the situation. Children do what we do, not what we say and they are excellent students of the adults in their life.

We were born with four words engraved on our bodies: "love me, hold me". We always knew we wanted that, though we may not have had permission to say it out loud ~ David Richo

Why the human response to threat is so important

How we respond when we feel threatened is hugely important. I believe a sense of threat can only be truly measured subjectively. What matters is that the threat feels or is perceived as real.

When we feel threatened and/or frightened we can enter what is called tonic immobility (also called the freeze response) and/or we can peritraumatically dissociate. If a threat is not defused and we internalise it, trauma results. That's how important our response to feeling threatened is and why we need to listen to what people say and feel and take it seriously.

I would strongly argue that trauma cannot be measured objectively and my recent thesis for my MA in counselling and psychotherapy was all about these very topics. I argued that there is an inherent link between tonic immobility, trauma and dissociation (peritraumatic and posttraumatic). It is a subject that I find fascinating and is very close to my heart. Over the next few weeks I will post excerpts of my thesis here.

Wanting to forget

Wanting to forget something painful is understandable. On closer inspection though, it is another form of resistance. Resistance doesn't work in the long run, as a recent article from goodtherapy.org says "Many individuals who have survived a traumatic life event wish to simply forget about the experience, hoping that forgetting will be synonymous with overcoming. However, it is not possible to erase pivotal life experiences or to truly forget about them. The human mind and body remember and clamor for healing". My colleague Puja Kanth Alfred has written a great article on the need to forget or disown our stories by rewriting our memories.

I sometimes wonder whether the need to forget or disown our stories is stronger in others rather than in ourselves. Let's be honest, the pressure in society to be "positive" and "move on" is strong, even if that sense of positivity is feigned or forced. We therefore receive a lot of societal support in disowning, pretending, forgetting, dissociating, distracting and avoiding. It takes a huge amount of courage to face our pain and sometimes we can feel very alone in doing so.

Our need to forget can also ensure our survival in many cases, but again this sense of survival is short term. Surviving only gets us so far until the cracks start to show. Sooner or later, we need to address and heal our pain. What usually happens is physical and psychological symptoms worsen so they get our attention. We can see this in various different ways, I prefer to see these symptoms as a way of making us take our pain seriously. Serious enough so that we do something about it so it doesn't hurt so much, or at all. 

Your confusion is not pathology, it is path

I'd like to share this article that a friend shared with me from sounds true by Matt Licata.

It's certainly not the easiest of paths but it's the one that resonates with me as being the most true and honest. While our resistance is so understandable, it just doesn't work. And I know that from experience.

"There are movements of somatic wisdom arising within you that contain very important information for your journey. If you will provide shelter for what is burning within, you will see that these are no ordinary messengers. They are harbingers of integration, sent from beyond to reveal the wholeness that is the signature of this dimension. Nothing is missing, nothing is out of place, nothing need be sent away. Inside your body, in the center of your emotions, in the core of your somatic experience the sacred world is wild and alive. Feel it, friends. You have been brought to right here and right now, for this". Read on

Love is the absence of anxiety ~ Wilhelm Reich

I am enough

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick ~ Brené Brown

Feeling acceptable, wanted, worthy, enough and feeling that you belong are all related. And it starts with our caregivers right at the beginning of our lives. The question is can you feel this way even if your parents didn't want you, found you unacceptable or didn't think you were worthy? 

When we love and accept ourself it is impossible to make someone else feel unworthy, undeserving or unacceptable. You didn't know it as a child, but these issues weren't yours. Whatever we believe becomes our truth, even if it isn't true. Try tapping on these phrases and make sure to change them to suit you.

Even though I don't feel that I am enough, I accept how I feel

Even though I don't feel I belong, I accept myself anyway

I need ... to feel that I'm enough

I need ... to feel that I belong

I need ... to feel acceptable

I need ... to feel accepted

It feels possible to feel I belong

It feels possible that I can be enough

I am worthy of ...

I am not worthy of ...

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect ~ Brené Brown

Freedom from emotions

I think there are some misconceptions as to what emotional freedom really means. It does not mean freedom from emotions, it means the freedom to feel emotions without any shame, anger, guilt or any other barrier that prevents us from fully feeling them.

Any emotion (or anything or anybody for that matter) can have an energetic charge for us. It is that charge that we are looking to dissolve with EFT so we can have freedom or peace around whatever it is. We will still remember it, but it doesn't have any charge for us. That's real emotional freedom, or peace.

You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level ~ Eckhart Tolle