Friday, December 03, 2010

The Rush to Reframe

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world 
~ George Bernard Shaw

I believe we need to be aware of where we find it difficult to accept where we or others are in any given moment. In the rush to make ourself or others feel better, we can rush into reframing a situation and how we feel about it, too early. And we lose a healing opportunity as a result.

Rushing to reframe can have the effect of feeling like we're being shut up, once again. Even worse, is the intimation that these feelings are somehow unacceptable, ugly, or horrible and therefore that makes us unacceptable, ugly or horrible for having them, never mind expressing them. Two of the most damaging ways people can be shut up or shut down is to be shamed for feeling a certain way and/or to have their feelings and experiences minimised. Very often, if not always, the resulting beliefs are:
Shaming: I am wrong.
Minimising: I don't count.

The holy grail in the reframing world seems to be forgiveness. There is a lot of emphasis placed on forgiveness, so if you don't or won't forgive, what does that make you? An angry person? A resentful person? An unforgiving person? Or maybe, just maybe, it makes you a person that hasn't yet healed their hurts. If we put the cart before the horse, we're creating yet another shaming or minimising device with which to punish ourself. Guilt always seeks punishment. My preferred reframe for forgiveness is acceptance, and acceptance is a process or state of mind, it's not a step or steps we have to take to get somewhere or become something to be more acceptable or pleasing to others, or to ourself for that matter. When we can honestly say that we accept ourselves, others and life exactly as we and they are, we probably won't even need to forgive.

I have found from working with people that the very best reframes always come from them, when they are ready. My role is not to push or force them. When their experiences, beliefs and feelings have been witnessed, validated and heard they will start making shifts in how they perceive themselves, others and life. These are deep, lasting and authentic changes from the inside out.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

i agree with you so much. mostly the people involved sort out their problem in the very best way.

lots of love
trisha
mydomainpvt.wordpress.com

Dom* said...

This is very good blog post my Dearest Noreen as to me in the understanding of others is a greater joy when you listen and have the patience that this understanding is a part of, as a matter of fact it is as to me patience is something you wait for but understanding you stop and hear others instead of yourself...as I have talked to people overseas and they have a difficult time in speaking English but I understand them when they talk to me as I feel not so much hear but feel what they are portraying to me and they have a deeper appreciation that I have heard them through this feeling appreciate in this understanding in doing so and this starts a bond of Love and Trust as well..enjoy and have a great and Happy Friday(+)
Love,
Dom*:)xo---{--@

Noreen Barron said...

Thanks Trisha, have a great weekend :-)

Love
Noreen x

Noreen Barron said...

That's so true Dom, we don't need to speak the same language to hear or understand what someone is saying and very often we don't even need any words at all. That develops real trust doesn't it? Have a great day and weekend :-)

Love
Noreen x

Anonymous said...

that quotation is splendid noreen. just adored it.

lots of love.
trisha
mydomainpvt.wordpress.com

Noreen Barron said...

Me too Trisha.

Love
Noreen xx