When there's no place to call home

The earliest sense of being at home, or not, is when we're in our mother's womb. A home is where we feel safe, loved and comforted. It's not a place (though having shelter helps), it's an experience.

When we've experienced early trauma at the hands of our caregivers, we lose our sense of home. If the very people that are supposed to protect us, are instead the perpetrators of abuse, we won't feel safe. And if our body is where we feel the pain of not being loved or wanted, we won't inhabit it very often, if at all. We'll dissociate from our emotions and feelings (and therefore our body and its sensations) as often as we need to. This is why it is imperative to include the body in any serious form of healing. Our body is where we get in touch with, and heal, our pain. Can we truly feel anything without being embodied? When we can fully inhabit our bodies, we'll feel at home, safe in our own home.

There's no place like home ~ Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

EFT and Dissociation

Dissociation is the mechanism by which our wounds (traumas) are survivable. It's also the mechanism by which trauma is maintained and continues, you cannot be traumatised and not be dissociated in some way. They go hand in hand. And we are, all of us, somewhere along this spectrum. Dissociation is an ingenious solution in order to be able to withstand the unbearable.

However, it costs us in the long run to stay dissociated. As the famous passage goes:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

If we don't willingly bring our hurts forth, life will do it for us. In all sorts of ways and with all sorts of conditions and symptoms. Knowing this will completely change how we respond to problems. At least some of the time. We'll have more compassion and kindness for ourself, and when we can't, that's more than ok too. It's about accepting it all. You literally can tap on anything.

This is why when we tap, or do any work, our intention is so important. Wanting to get rid of it, just doesn't work. You have to tap for the courage to help you through whatever it is.

Trauma is unexperienced experience ~ Ivor Browne

The magic wand

We'd all love a magic wand or pill sometimes. If you have unresolved issues that are causing you any sort of pain (physical or emotional), you'll most likely want to be able to sweep it all away, especially if it's been going on for years.

The thing is, there is no magic pill. Wanting desperately to have something gone, while completely understandable, can turn us into headless chickens with no direction. As a line in a U2 song goes "Desperation is a tender trap, it gets you every time". Or we'll go in lots of different directions, frantically trying out anything and everything to take the pain away. But this is like putting a plaster on a deeper wound. Sometimes the plaster looks really pretty and "positive" and we feel good for a while, but the issue usually comes back. And if that keeps happening, it becomes even more frustrating and can lead to beliefs like "I can't be helped", "There's something wrong with me", "It's just too hard". The real truth is, you're stuck in what Peter Levine calls a "positive feedback loop".

Don't be misguided by the term "positive" here, because it's anything but. It's a closed loop, or merry go round, that feels like you can't get off (but you can), which is frustrating at best, and retraumatising at worst. A negative feedback loop on the other hand is open like a river, so you can move forward instead of staying stuck.

I know of no other way except to go through trauma, whatever tool or technique we use to facilitate that. The self trust, strength, esteem and confidence that is created when we resolve, not just plaster over, trauma is authentic and lasts.

The best way out is always through ~ Robert Frost

Our bodies bear the burden

This is an excerpt from the forward of Robert Scaer's book The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation, and Disease by Bessel van der Kolk:

"When people develop PTSD, the replaying of the trauma leads to sensitization: with every replay of the trauma there is an increasing level of distress. In those individuals, the traumatic event, which started out as a social and interpersonal process, develops secondary biological consequences that are hard to reverse once they become entrenched. Because these patients have intolerable sensations and feelings, their tendency is to actively avoid them. Mentally, they split off or “dissociate” these feelings; physically, their bodies tighten and brace against them. They seem to live under the assumption that if they feel those sensations and feelings, they will overwhelm them forever. These are patients who rely on medications, drugs, and alcohol to make these sensations and feelings go away, because they have lost confidence that they can learn to tolerate them without outside help. The fear of being consumed by these “terrible” feelings leads them to believe that only not feeling them will make them go away".

There is no way around trauma except through it. If we're at our wit's end, it's hard to be there for ourself, which is why the support of others in helping us through it, is crucial. This is also the reason why children who suffer trauma at the hands of their care givers are deeply traumatised. (You can read more on betrayal trauma from Jennifer Freyd).

Try tapping on the following phrases:

I'm tapping to help me through this

I'm tapping for the courage to be able to feel ...

Even though it's excruciating to feel ... I'm willing to feel 10% of it

My body bears the burden of ...

Even though I rationalise things away, my body tells a different story

I feel ... about my body and its symptoms

Even though I want to be over this, my body isn't and that makes me feel ...

If it ever occurs to people to value the honour of the mind equally with the honour of the body, we shall get a social revolution of a quite unparalleled sort ~ Dorothy L Sayers

Let your body do the talking

If you ever find yourself rationalising how you feel, or minimising things, you only have to listen to your body to hear the truth. Our body never lies. How many books have this same title? Our body tells our story for us through symptoms. Though this can be frustrating, as in the symptoms might not have gone away or might even be intensifying, it can also be a way to have our experiences validated.

We all need validation and if it is not forthcoming from other human beings, we can listen to our body instead, our body validates our experiences, it helps us take whatever it is, seriously.

 We might be sick of talking, we might not know the "right" words to tap on, we might feel we're going around in circles, so letting our body do the talking, as in tapping while tuning into physical sensations and feelings can be really helpful. It's much easier to do this when we're tapping on our own for example, as it helps keep us on track as all we have to do is tune into our body. At the same time this can be very painful, so take it easy and tap with someone else if you find yourself getting overwhelmed.

My belief is in the blood and flesh as being wiser than the intellect. The body-unconscious is where life bubbles up in us. It is how we know that we are alive, alive to the depths of our souls and in touch somewhere with the vivid reaches of the cosmos ~ D. H. Lawrence

Why your intention when you tap is so important

The reason why you tap (or do any work) is really important. While it's natural to want to move away from anything that is painful or uncomfortable, it can often be a short term solution, a plaster on a deeper wound.

In my experience if you tap to get rid of something, or want to tap it away, there is a sense of desperation and panic about what it is you want to go. This often has the effect of just making us more frustrated while doing nothing (at least nothing permanent) to resolve the issue. If you tap instead to help you through whatever it is, it has an entirely different effect on the issue. It often feels very empowering and gives you a lot of confidence in what you can handle.

This is especially true when it comes to things you can control, such as your feelings and sensations, rather than anything to do with anyone else. Being able to sit with and feel difficult feelings and sensations is one of the best gifts we can give ourself. It makes a huge difference. It increases our resiliency no end, and when we've come through whatever it is, we're stronger, more empowered and less afraid.

So tap to help you through it, not to push it away or the many other ways we avoid our pain and hurt.

The following phrases can be really good to tap on:

Even if this ... never goes away and that makes me feel, I can accept how I feel about that

I can still love and accept myself even if this ... stays

I can give whatever it is permission to stay ...

You'll find that there will usually be a lot of tail enders (objections) with the phrases above which can provide you with great material to tap on.

I acknowledge that this is here

If you can't bring yourself to accept something try tapping on acknowledging it's there, whatever the "it" is for you. By acknowledging something, you're not trying to change it or make it more positive or  negative. In my experience acknowledging something and tapping on that acknowledgement is very powerful.

For example, do a few rounds on:

I acknowledge this tightness in my lower intestines and how I feel about it

I acknowledge my dislike of "X"

I acknowledge my anger

I acknowledge the fact that I don't want ....

I acknowledge my reasons for ...

I acknowledge how my body feels (be specific)

Our feelings and our bodies are like water

flowing into water. We learn to swim

within the energies of the senses.

~ Tarthang Tulku

I feel threatened by ...

When we internalise a threat, trauma nearly always results. You might not call it being traumatised, you might call it stress, but no matter what you call it, you are going to be in either flight/fight or freeze mode when your sense of this threat is triggered. This can really take its toll on our physical and psychological health. Our experience of feeling/being threatened can worsen over time if the threat cannot be defused.

Try filling in the blank in the sentence below. Keep going until you feel you have written down everything you feel threatened by and start tapping on the one that holds the biggest charge for you right now. Go through your list at your own pace.

I feel threatened by ...

I think the thumb print on the throat of many people is childhood trauma that goes unprocessed and unrecognised ~ Tom Hooper