We attract what we are

We don't, we attract what we think or believe we are. If we believe we're not good, or good enough, not worthy, or worthy enough, not deserving, not lovable, not acceptable, that's what shows up in our lives. Not because it's true but because we believe it is, which is an entirely different matter. Look at Bruce Lipton's book The Biology of Belief for example.

When a child grows up believing that they're not lovable, sadly they'll live that so-called truth out by not respecting themselves and allowing others to disrespect them in many different ways. But it doesn't have to be that way, we can examine and question our beliefs and dissolve the beliefs that don't serve us with tools such as EFT.

The gift of anger

There are too many emotions that are considered negative, but probably one of the most vilified is anger. I really like the work of Karla McLaren on emotions, she calls separating emotions into positive and negative lists: 'valencing'. You can read some excellent articles on her site on anger and all of the other emotions. For example she has a list of the gifts that anger has for us which are:


Identifying the gifts of anger

I have a series of questions for you, and I want you to think about them in the present moment — in relation to your current relationships and your present-day skills. These answers can change over time, so let’s focus on your situation right now.

As you answer these ten questions, please grade your responses from 1 to 5: 1 (No – Never); 2 (Rarely); 3 (Sometimes); 4 (Often); and 5 (Yes – Always).

I feel heard and respected in my interpersonal relationships
I am comfortable speaking up for myself, even during conflicts
I take good care of myself
I know who I am
I can make clear distinctions between my own needs and the needs of others
I can say no to demands on my personal time
I can make clear distinctions between my own emotions and the emotions of others
I can remain present and focused when others are angry
I am sensitive to issues of social justice
I work to make the world a more just and loving place for everyone

It's easy to see how anger can serve us after reading this list. The problem is most of us either repress anger or express it when it's gotten to the point of rage because we've let it build up. The trick is to acknowledge your emotions AND any judgements you may have for having them in the first place. The most important thing is to feel your emotions so they don't get stuck, you don't necessarily have to express them if you don't want to or don't feel safe in doing so.

Personally, I would never work with a practitioner who spoke about emotions being either positive or negative as I'd find it very hard, if not impossible, to be emotionally honest with that person, especially if I were feeling any of the 'negative' emotions on their list, which would make any work we'd do together futile. Why is being honest about how we truly feel such an issue with ourselves and others? Something definitely worth tapping on ...

Sitting quietly with yourself

Sometimes this is the hardest thing to do because we can feel like we want to climb out of our own skin. But if we can have the courage to stay with those difficult emotions and sensations, we increase our capacity to feel them. By feeling them, they dissipate of their own accord naturally. Anxiety is usually years and years and years worth of not feeling our pain.

There is a very good exercise which you can download for free called the 12 second chill from Dr Suzanne Le Combe http://www.myshrink.com/members/12-second-chill-ebook/ It is not a relaxation exercise, but an exercise in increasing your capacity to feel difficult emotions and physical sensations, initially starting with 12 seconds and gradually increasing as and when you feel comfortable.

I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me ~ Herman Hesse

How much can you tolerate?

Self-regulation will always be a challenge, but if somebody's going to be in charge, it might as well be me ~ Daniel Akst

Some interesting articles on trauma

I haven't posted in a while, I'm so busy with my lovely 7 month old son and finishing my thesis :-) But I wanted to post some links to articles I've been reading for my thesis on trauma. This is an excerpt from an article by Diana Fosha (Fosha, D. (2002). Trauma reveals the roots of resilience, Constructivism in the Human Sciences 6(1 & 2): 7–15.):

"I want to tell you a story, that focuses on the importance of therapeutic affirmation. The patient, I’ll call her Ellie, is a woman in her 50s who has been through more than she cares to remember. But, unlike others, she remembers. At age 5 her father died, and a series of incidents of abuse, neglect and deprivation followed. In the last 10 years, she lost a breast, she lost a husband, and as of September 11, her job lies beneath what was the North Tower.

But this day, her mind is on an incident that took place more than four decades ago. In the telling, it is as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. An eighth grader with a active imagination, she decided to relieve her depression by having an adventure. Like Toad in The Wind in the Willows, she decided to escape from her prison, i.e., her room, by climbing out the window. She fashioned a rope out of rags, she tied them together, she threw the rope out the third story window of the family house (she did not want to tear the sheets on her bed to shreds and get into even more trouble). She climbed out her window and started to shimmy down the improvised rope. There she was, hanging out her window, when the rope of rags broke. She was hanging by a thread. Literally. She screamed for help, she screamed for her mother. No one came. As in a grim Hans Christian Andersen tale, she could hear the rest of the family laughing and talking on the ground floor, the noise of laughter and talk and silverware clinking against plates mixing with her screams for help. It became apparent to her that no one would come and rescue her. She thought she was going to die. She remembers rapidly trying to figure out the best way to fall so as to maximize her chances of survival and determined that it would be best if she jumped. Jump she did: she broke her arm but she did survive, as she just barely avoided rolling off the roof". Read on

Here are a few links to people whose work on trauma I admire, the links will take you directly to their articles.
Diana Fosha
Jennifer Freyd
Peter Levine
Robert Scaer
Ellert Nijenhuis
Onno van der Hart
Bessel van der Kolk
Pat Ogden

The human response to psychological trauma is one of the most important public health problems in the world ~ Bessel A van der Kolk

OBSERVATIONS ON TRAUMATIC STRESS

Robert Scaer has some really fantastic material on his website http://www.traumasoma.com His book, The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation, and Disease is also a fantastic read. This is an excerpt of an article from his website:

OBSERVATIONS ON TRAUMATIC STRESS UTILIZING THE MODEL OF THE "WHIPLASH SYNDROME" ROBERT C. SCAER, M.D.

In his book, Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self, Allen Schore has outlined in exquisite detail the psychobiology of early childhood development involving maturation of orbitofrontal and limbic structures based on reciprocal experiences with the care giver. (14). Dysfunctional associations in this dyadic relationship result in permanent physicochemical and anatomical changes which have implications for personality development as well as for a wide variety of clinical manifestations. An intimate relationship may exist, with negative child/care giver interaction leading to a state of persisting hypertonicity of the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems that may profoundly affect the arousal state of the developing child. Sustained hyperarousal in these children may markedly affect behavioral and characterological development.

This phenomenon has its correlation in the adult traumatic experience and its effect on the autonomic nervous system. Although this effect has been described extensively in Viet Nam veterans and other groups of traumatized individuals, one of the more fascinating models of the physiology of the traumatic experience had been developed by Peter Levine, PhD., (7,8) based on the ethological model of the fight/flight/freeze response seen in animals in response to life-threatening experiences. In the wild, the preyed-upon animal will flee or attempt to fight, but if trapped, will enter a freeze response where it assumes a state of immobility while physiologically still manifesting high levels of activity of both parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems. If the animal survives the attack, it will go through a period of discharge of this high level automatic arousal through the motor system involving trembling, running movements, shaking, diaphoresis and deep breathing. Following this, the animal will return to its prior state of calm alertness. Interestingly, game keepers in Africa interviewed by Levine who capture animals for examination or tagging routinely note that if the animal does not go through the shaking/breathing response after release, they will inevitably die in the wild, possibly due to the inability to initiate appropriate self- protective behavior. Read on

Traumatic reactions occur when action is of no avail ~ Judith Herman

The importance of a 'relational home'

We need others, we need to be loved and we need to feel connected. This is especially true when we've been traumatised, in fact it's essential, we can't do without it at the best of times, never mind the worst.

Robert Stolorow in his book, Trauma and Human Existence, calls this a 'relational home' and I really really get what he means. Probably because I haven't always had it and I really appreciate it when I do have it. It's someone (including ourself) we can say the 'unsayable' to, the things we're ashamed of, feel guilty about, feel we're bad people for feeling/thinking them. How we truly feel deep deep down without having to dress it up, sugar coat it, or indeed, to make others feel better.

When we can give this to ourselves, we can give it to another. Even if you don't have someone to open up to or connect with, open up to yourself, give yourself what you need. Take your own feelings seriously, validate your own experiences. Respect who you are, where you've come from and where you are now.

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship ~ Brené Brown

Taking your power back

In the book Infinite Love and Gratitude, Darren Weissman talks about what is essential for healing. Besides clean water, good food and exercise one of them is: taking your power back.

This can be difficult, especially if we have issues such as learned helplessness, freezing on the spot for no `apparent' reason, wanting/needing to be liked or approved of. But there are few things more important than taking your power back and standing in your own strength.

Try tapping on the following sentences:

Even though It's hard to stand up for myself because ... I love and accept that part of myself

Even though I'm too afraid to be myself, because ... I accept how I feel right now

Even though my power feels ... I accept how I feel about that

Even though being powerful feels ... I accept myself anyway

Try listing all your associations with power and see if any of them have an emotional charge for you and start tapping on them.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any ~ Alice Walker