Are you clingy or needy?

Are there any more damning terms than being ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’? It says so much about us that these terms even exist in our lexicon.

We are born totally dependent and vulnerable and how our needs are met is crucially important for our development. We will always have needs until the day we die, we don’t grow out of needs and nor should we. So why do so many have such a problem with needs? Why are so many shamed for having needs? Why do we deny our needs?

I remember Carrie Bradshaw saying in Sex in the City that, “Once a need is met, you don’t need it anymore”. What I think this means is that we’re not hungry anymore when our needs are met. Our hunger is not just for food, but for love, warmth, safety, support, attunement, comfort, play and so on. We need these things, they are not optional and we can spend lifetimes looking for these valid needs to be met.

Talking about this reminds me of the term that Gabor Maté coined, “Hungry Ghosts” in the book of the same name. So many of us are hungry for what we didn’t get and this does not make us needy or clingy, it makes us human and innately vulnerable and interdependent.

What do you feel hungry for? Say, out loud, if you can: It’s ok for me to need … (fill in the blank) and listen out for any objections/tailenders and tap on them. If none arise, see how this sentence feels in your body, does it feel true? Do you feel worthy and deserving of having your needs met?

The ultimate prayer

Holistic psychiatrist Kelly Brogan shared a lovely video of Joan Borysenko a few weeks ago and Joan said something really beautiful. She said there is a very simple prayer of the heart and it's called: Help.

Ask for help and notice all the various ways it shows up, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. It really works, please try it.

You are what you digest, assimilate and eliminate

You probably know the saying ‘You are what you eat”. But lately I’ve been hearing “You are what you digest” from functional medicine practitioners. This is true for food, relationships, and everything in our environment. If we can’t digest it, it accumulates and stagnates in our system causing all sorts of health problems.

It’s not just what we digest though, it’s also what we assimilate and eliminate. What goes in, must go through and come out. If if doesn’t, we aren’t nourished by the things that are good for us and we can’t therefore eliminate what is no longer good for us.

If we don’t feel, we can’t experience. But feeling seems far too simple a solution for it to work. We think we need something more complicated and fancy, especially when our issues are complex.

So much has been written on this subject, but because it doesn’t seem quick and painless, it doesn’t get as much airtime as other so-called easier solutions, but the fact is that it works. The ability to handle difficult emotions increases our capacity and resilience and makes us more of who we really are. Who wouldn't want that?

Collectively, our emotional intelligence isn’t great. We aren’t very good at dealing with difficult emotions, people or experiences. Is it because we don’t place as much value on our emotional and social intelligence as we do academic intelligence? Watch/listen to this excellent podcast with Dr Joan Rosenberg talking about how our life changes for the better when we learn to feel and experience difficult emotions.