Are you clingy or needy?

Are there any more damning terms than being ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’? It says so much about us that these terms even exist in our lexicon.

We are born totally dependent and vulnerable and how our needs are met is crucially important for our development. We will always have needs until the day we die, we don’t grow out of needs and nor should we. So why do so many have such a problem with needs? Why are so many shamed for having needs? Why do we deny our needs?

I remember Carrie Bradshaw saying in Sex in the City that, “Once a need is met, you don’t need it anymore”. What I think this means is that we’re not hungry anymore when our needs are met. Our hunger is not just for food, but for love, warmth, safety, support, attunement, comfort, play and so on. We need these things, they are not optional and we can spend lifetimes looking for these valid needs to be met.

Talking about this reminds me of the term that Gabor Maté coined, “Hungry Ghosts” in the book of the same name. So many of us are hungry for what we didn’t get and this does not make us needy or clingy, it makes us human and innately vulnerable and interdependent.

What do you feel hungry for? Say, out loud, if you can: It’s ok for me to need … (fill in the blank) and listen out for any objections/tailenders and tap on them. If none arise, see how this sentence feels in your body, does it feel true? Do you feel worthy and deserving of having your needs met?