Relentlessly trying to fix yourself

Are you trying to fix yourself all the time? It’s one thing to want to feel better and another to think/believe that you’re broken, damaged, bad, good for nothing or a waste of space.

Who are we trying to fix ourself for? What do we think will happen once we’re ‘fixed’? Why can’t these things happen now, warts and all?

It’s amazing the different ways perfectionism can show up. I believe perfectionism is born from not being accepted and loved for who we are, just because we exist, so we set out on a journey to ‘prove’ we’re lovable and acceptable. Except that rarely happens, what does happen most of the time is that we end up sick and exhausted.

How does the need to be perfect show up for you? You might not even realise that perfectionism is an issue for you, but if you hate to be criticised, feel inadequate in some way, often feel shame when others disagree with you or don’t like you, the need to be perfect might be behind it.

Try tapping on the following phrases and repeat whatever feels right for you on the tapping points.

Even though I have /need to be perfect (because … for … etc), I accept this need to be perfect

Even though I’m trying to fix myself because … and that feels … I accept how I feel at this moment in time

Even though there is a drive in me to be/do better (how much of the time?), what would happen if I relaxed that drive a bit?

Even though it’s not safe to stop trying to be perfect because … I accept that’s one of the ways I’ve protected myself up until now

Even though … could happen if I don’t do things perfectly, how would I feel if that did happen? And what might it remind me of?

Slower is faster

Slower is faster when it comes to healing from trauma and most of us are healing from trauma believe it or not. Trauma is much more common than people think it is. However, when we’re in pain, we don’t want to go slow, we want to get better as fast as we can. There’s often a sense of desperation and urgency in our efforts to find help, which can take us out of ourself.

Of course, being traumatised often leaves us bereft of any internal resources too because living/going inside can be very frightening, as that’s where the scary memories, emotions and sensations live. We often have trust issues too, with ourselves and others. Even so, we always have our guidance system available to us, no matter how weak it may seem. You do know what or who is good for you, you need only heed and trust it. I know from experience that it’s the times I didn’t trust that little voice that got me into trouble, not the other way round.

Trauma contracts and constricts our minds and bodies and that contraction needs to unwind slowly*. Our life force is severely diminished by trauma and the sheer power of feeling it again in one go can be too much. If we don’t go slowly, overwhelm is nearly guaranteed.

In an interview with Peter Levine, who is talking about going slow (he calls it titration), Ruth Buczynski asks him whether going slow is “like a homeopathic approach to trauma? A homeopathic dose level of approaching body experiences?” and he replies “Yes! Yes, that’s it! Yes, that is a really good analogy – and it may be more than just an analogy. You know, we have a number of homeopaths, particularly in the European and South American trainings – and, you know, they get it, they really get it; you know, the idea of the smallest amount of stimulus that get the body engaged in its own self-defense mechanisms”.

The minute you start to see signs of overwhelm, stop. Go for a walk, rest, laugh, listen to music or have a bath. This is not unhealthy distraction, this is being kind to yourself because you know you’re reaching your limits (that is, you’re outside your window of tolerance). Pushing through in desperation is not going to help you. This isn’t a race between you and someone else to see who is “fixed” first.

The fact is, retraumatisation is extremely common and can often feel/be worse than anything that has gone before, because you feel like you’re in this never-ending loop of pain that you can’t escape from. And that feels very powerless and helpless.

*Going slowly is not an excuse for a practitioner to drag out sessions to make more money. Trust your instinct on this one and find someone who you trust.

Vulnerability and Helplessness

We are born vulnerable and helpless and hopefully, not only will no one take advantage of our vulnerability, they will cherish and nurture it and make it safe for us to trust others with our vulnerability.

Because helplessness and vulnerability can feel very similar, if not the same sometimes, we can shy away from being vulnerable because it can also make us feel helpless. Feeling helpless is one of the core ingredients of being traumatised, which can mean that our vulnerability/helplessness was taken advantage of or abused in some way by others. If we’ve been hurt a lot, or early in life, being vulnerable can feel like too big a risk to take.

Not feeling safe enough to be vulnerable takes a toll on our relationships, we don’t let others see who we really are, so our relationships can’t deepen and become as intimate as they could. We can find it hard to express our needs, because our needs are what make us vulnerable. There can be a lot of shame around having needs, especially with early trauma, so our needs will be denied in order to make us more acceptable to others.

Try tapping on the phrases below and repeat whatever feels right on the tapping points:

Even though feeling vulnerable feels … I honour how that feels for me

Even though feeling vulnerable feels … in my body and that feels … I acknowledge how I feel

Even though I deny my needs in order not to feel vulnerable, I wonder is that working for me?

Even though I feel ashamed of my needs, I’m open to examining that shame