Shame

There’s a big difference between believing you did something wrong/bad or that you are wrong/bad. I think healthy shame arises from within, toxic shame comes from outside and we can internalise it, thinking and feeling it defines who we are. Our organism knows how to ‘do’ emotions, they’re hardwired, so why is there such a clamour and rush to get children to know about shame in particular? Do we not trust that they’ll learn what’s right or wrong as they grow?

Toxic shame comes in many forms; the shame of being abused, the shame of being neglected, the shame of not being loved, the shame of not having enough to eat, the shame of not always being able to hide from others finding out … Toxic shame is compounded when it is a family member who does these things to us. If your own parent doesn’t love you or take care of you, what worth do you have? What’s more shaming than that? Many times children are shamed as being from a ‘bad’ family and who wants the shame of belonging to a bad family? This sets up a terrible conflict between a desperate and natural need to belong and the shame of belonging to the ‘wrong’ family.

A so-called harmless and extremely common way of shaming is using shame to discipline a child. Why? Because it works, like a toxic treat. Is there anything more effective than making someone believe that what they did is wrong and that they are wrong for doing it? Toxic shaming is the laziest form of discipline at best and at worst leaves a lasting imprint that makes a person collapse into a diminished, smaller and more compliant form of who they truly are.

One possible outcome of persistent toxic shaming is not being able to be wrong. Being wrong, or taking responsibility for doing/saying something wrong, is just not an option because you feel as if you’re being annihilated if you admit to any wrongdoing. This causes havoc in your life and particularly your relationships, because it’s impossible to be in a relationship with someone who can’t be wrong and doesn't take responsibility.

Shame, like all emotions, is felt in the body and its sensations can be extremely uncomfortable. It is felt as heat, constriction, collapse, diminishment, smallness, badness, wrongness and many more. Try tapping on how shame shows up for you and get in touch with any negative core beliefs about yourself around shame and tap until they don’t resonate with you anymore.

Resources:
Listening to shame by Brené Brown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
Healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q

Why trauma is much more than a PTSD diagnosis

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is synonymous with trauma, however, many people who are traumatised might not receive a PTSD diagnosis.

There are two main reasons as to why:
1. Criterion A in the PTSD diagnostic criteria
2. There are many other signs of trauma besides the stipulated criteria in a PTSD diagnosis

Let’s discuss the importance of criterion A first. There used to be two parts to this criterion, A1 and A2, but A2 was deleted from the DSM-5, the most recent edition of the DSM, because it had no “utility”. A2 stated that: The person's response (to criterion A) involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Why A2 was deleted is beyond me, because without having a response to an event, it is impossible to be traumatised.

If the the American Psychiatric Association's (APA), “scientific” model of PTSD/trauma were replicable, an A1 event would always result in trauma. It doesn’t. Some people experience these events and don’t develop PTSD, or other signs of trauma. Why? In addition, many other experiences not listed in criterion A do result in trauma. Why? Because of the person’s response and experience of the event. This needs to be taken seriously as too many people who are suffering and desperate as a result, are not getting the help they need.

By deleting and not expanding on A2, the APA has undermined the importance of the subjective experience, deeming it non-scientific, which is just ridiculous. The implication is that criterion A is an objective measurement of trauma, which it is not. A huge contradiction in deleting A2 and calling it useless, is that the rest of the PTSD criteria, namely; B, C, D, E and G* only measure the person’s response. Crucially however, if criterion A is not nominated, the other criteria won’t even be considered. 

Conventional methods either ignore or overly focus on symptoms, instead of seeing them as a bread crumb trail to the causes. For example, if your blood test results fall within normal parameters (forget optimal), albeit at the cusp of the lower or upper end, your symptoms will be ignored and the dots won't be connected, you might even be passed off as a hypochondriac and if you're a woman you'll often be given a prescription for either anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. Whereas,  if you can tick criterion A, the symptoms become all important in the sense of either squashing them with medication, which doesn't work long term, or using methods such as cognitive behavioural therapy which only 'talks' to the prefrontal cortex, which is often offline when traumatised. Things are changing, but too slowly for those who are suffering, this is why the importance of trauma-informed care cannot be overemphasised.

Trauma should be listed as an etiological factor for nearly every diagnosis in the DSM, along with any other root causes. Just imagine how the treatment of certain conditions would change if unresolved traumatic stress, giving rise to many symptoms, if not all symptoms in some cases, was addressed? Why not treat the cause(s) instead of the symptoms which very often puts us on an expensive, helpless and hopeless merry-go-round with seemingly no way of getting off? We need to ask who benefits from the system as it is currently set up, it certainly isn’t the tens of thousands, if not millions, suffering needlessly from unresolved traumatic stress in all its many manifestations.

*View the other criteria here: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/dsm5_criteria_ptsd.asp

Just imagine ...

That we acknowledge and address the effects of unresolved trauma in all its overt and covert forms.
Everyone having access to shelter, food, health and education as the absolute minimum.
People’s needs being met.
Chronic health issues being taken seriously.
Mental health stigma doesn’t exist.
Compassion is shown to anyone who has a dis-ease, mental or physical.
Having access to a menu of all available care options, even if we don’t have any financial means.
Children are cherished, loved, hugged, kissed, protected, respected, taken seriously and allowed to be who they truly are.
That children can just be children.
That we value emotional intelligence as much as we do academic intelligence.
We are taught to be present to whatever is going on with us, and when we can’t, we could get the help and support that we need.
That symptoms didn’t rule and root cause(s) were valued and sought.
Israel not re-enacting its collective unresolved trauma and persecuting Palestinians the way Jewish people have been persecuted.
Imperialism and colonialism didn’t exist.
No one having to flee their countries out of necessity but because of choice.
No corruption.
Honest and accountable politicians.
Rehabilitating people who have committed crimes rather than punishing them and hardening them even further.
We cared about what happens to others the way we would if it were happening to us.
Men not being called sissies or cry babies when they are vulnerable and show emotion.
That it’s ok for men to be afraid and for women to be angry.
That women aren’t called bitches for being strong nor punished/bullied for speaking up and saying no.
Female genital mutilation didn’t exist.
Women aren’t punished for having sex and enjoying it.
Women could wear what they wanted without facing any consequences dictated and enforced by men.
Women had agency over their own bodies and lives.
Old age was valued.
There is no hierarchy of racism according to the shade of our skin.
People realising that white skin is a loss of melanin in northern climates so the body can produce enough vitamin D to survive and is not a sign of the ridiculous notion of supremacy.
People questioning themselves when they feel superior rather than acting it out.
Questioning the trillions spent on war when millions don’t even have any clean water to drink.
Not profiting from war or sickness.
Valuing people more than profits.
We are as kind to Mother Nature as she is to us.
Addiction is perceived as ritualised comfort seeking.
Not pathologising any manifestations of traumatic stress.
Religion didn’t exist.
We didn’t classify people, or their worth, according to their financial status.
Realising that violence is often (always?) the re-enactment of trauma.
We realise that we are collectively responsible.
We realise that we are all connected.
We feel we belong and have inherent value just because we exist.