I’ll say right up front, I don’t like the container exercise and have never used it with clients. If you don’t know it, it’s where you put things that are upsetting you (supposedly temporarily) so you can go back and deal with them later/at a more appropriate time. The container can be any receptacle that you can imagine, any size, colour etc. This tool is used, in my opinion, for the therapist, not the client.
If only our minds and bodies were as neat and tidy as keeping things in a container until we’re ready to deal with them. There are two main issues I have with this exercise and they are 1. triggers and 2. the inability or unwillingness of a practitioner to
wade into the swamp with us. Just because something is in a container and we’ve put it on planet Mars, doesn’t mean we’re not going to be triggered by what’s inside it between sessions or at any time for that matter. What we really need are self regulating skills in order to help calm and soothe our nervous system not more tools to help us dissociate and avoid (which it says it’s not for, but that’s what too often happens), many of us are already excellent at doing that. We also need what Robert Stolorow calls;
a relational home, so don’t settle for anything less in therapy.
The real reason I’m writing this post though is because this tool was used with me this year and I informed the practitioner of my opinions about it. I was willing to give it one more go just in case it worked this time (against my better judgement) and also because he wasn’t listening to me nor was he taking my concerns seriously, so I fell into the trap of people pleasing. It’s obviously a tool he uses a lot and he did not seem open to not using it or using something else instead.
The issues inside my container kept ‘leaking’ of course, because they need and want to be heard and this was not taken to kindly by the practitioner. He got frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t behaving, i.e. leaving things inside my container so he could get on with the resource work. Only trouble is I didn’t feel resourced and he just wasn’t able to handle this fact. Seems he missed the memo that I was supposed to be the one being resourced and the very basics of any therapy;
listening, was missing. This is called countertransference in therapy and it is not a case of
if but
when it will come up, so all practitioners need to be willing to deal with it.
Clients can often become a performing monkey in order to massage a practitioner’s ego, instead of being true to themselves and being firm about what works and what doesn’t. I stayed firm in my knowing that this particular tool just doesn’t work for me. I had given it the umpteenth chance in order to prove I wasn’t “stubborn” or “difficult” (a covert form of people pleasing). Always, always, trust your instincts/gut, you’ll be so glad you did. I think the person we're most often angry with is our self when we don't listen to that voice.
