Monday, February 02, 2015

Being shamed for your needs

We can be shamed for a lot of things but I think one of the most damaging ways we can be shamed is for having needs when we are children. Having needs make us very vulnerable and we need others to meet those needs, so we're essentially shamed for being helpless which is unbelievably damaging. If the very need for our parents, along with our need for love, comfort and being soothed are shamed we'll question our worth, our belonging, our sense of deserving to even be here.

So we'll try and pretend that we're not vulnerable and that we don't have needs which is absolutely impossible. This is a helpless situation and helplessness is one of the core ingredients of trauma. What often happens later is that vulnerability is associated with helplessness so every time vulnerability (that is, a need comes up) we'll feel ashamed of ourselves for even having the need in the first place, which again leads to a feeling of being helpless.

This is why it's so important to tap on feeling deserving and worthy of your needs, your needs make you human. They encourage (or force!) you to be vulnerable, to reach out, to ask for something, to connect. Whatever way we look at it, we'll always have needs and there will be times when only others can meet those needs. Our needs are a constant opportunity to heal who we think/believe we are.

Try saying the following phrases out loud and see if there are any objections. Rate their truth (0 to 10) and see where you go with them when you start tapping.

I deserve to be here.

I deserve to have my needs met.

It is okay to have needs.

My needs make me ...

I am/feel helpless when ...

It is okay to be/feel vulnerable.

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