If ...

I've always loved the first few lines of this poem. I think one of the most important things we can cultivate in our lives is self trust. It's only by trusting ourselves that we find out whether we are trustworthy. We then know who to put our trust in, because if our radar is sharpened by use we won't be blown about by different winds going in different directions, we'll know where we are going and where we want to go. The more you practise trusting your self, the more you strengthen that muscle. Self trust is the antidote for a lot of things: confusion, doubt, a feeling of unworthiness and so on. It grounds you so you know where you are and what you feel. It helps you to get clear. And we all need more clarity in our lives.

What do you do?

I was listening to a webinar with Peter Levine last week. He talked about a woman who had lost her twins at birth, they had been still born. She was in a catatonic state of immobility and was just staring into space with shock. She belonged to a tribe of about 26 people who performed a ritual every night for her when she left hospital. On the fourth night she responded by breaking down and sobbing and the entire tribe sobbed with her. That’s the importance of community, none of us are islands and resolving trauma is a hell of a lot easier when you have support. As Peter Levine said, “She was back”, she still had a lot of sorrow and grief but she was back.

That is the essence of trauma, losing a sense of who you are.  So what do you do if all you’ve known is trauma? Who are you then? What do you do when you don’t know who you are because you’ve never had the opportunity or the safety to find out?

Carolyn Spring’s book shows just how strong the human spirit can be even after suffering horrific ritual child abuse. It can be a long and arduous road to discovering who you really are, but it is possible with the help of some kind souls and your self. In fact, I’d say it’s essential to reveal your true self and be true to that self, even if sometimes it seems the price you’re paying is too high. The price won’t be as high as keeping it all inside.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a cloud be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

~ John Donne, No Man Is An Island

When you say no

In his book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker writes that if you say No and people don't take your No seriously, you are being put on alert that they are trying to control you. This control can look like guilt mongering, scare mongering, manipulation or emotional blackmail. You name it, some people will try it and if that doesn't work, they might crank it up a notch and another notch and keep going until you don't know whether you're coming or going and you're all confused.

That's why it's so important for you to get clarity about what you will and will not accept. This is the only way you'll be able to trust yourself and any decisions/choices you need to make and create any boundaries you need to put in place. EFT short cut diagram.

The following phrases might help to start you off:

Even though people get angry at me when I don't do what they want me to do and that makes me feel ... I completely accept how I feel

Even if others pressure me I can still hold my ground and know who I am and what I want (look out for any tail enders/objections here)

Even though others try to make me feel guilty by doing/saying ... and that makes me feel ... I accept how I feel

Even though this bothers me because ... I accept my reasons

Even though I find it difficult to say no/set boundaries because ... (be very specific) I love and accept myself anyway

Even though I find it difficult to follow my own judgement/intuition because ... I accept myself anyway

Even though I question myself (because ...) and maybe others sense that and use it to their advantage, I choose to practice looking after myself 

It's ok to say No (watch for any objections here and tap on any that come up)

Every feeling ...

Putting the cart before the horse

When people talk about forgiving before they, or you, are ready, it's like putting the cart before the horse. There's a lot of talk about forgiveness in the spiritual movement but it can be yet another way to bypass how you really feel. Don't fake it if you don't really feel it. As my husband says lies have short legs, it doesn't work long term to lie either to yourself or others.

Image from http://www.carnegiemuseums.org

If you can't bring yourself to forgive, you'll end up feeling frustrated, guilty, ashamed and a lot of other things. You can't forgive until you process all of your hurts. You won't even need to forgive I think, because you'll be at a place of peace within yourself and you'll come to an acceptance of what happened or what is happening. That doesn't mean you like what happened or think that it is ok, and you have every right to feel that way, but it won't bother you any more when you have dissolved all the emotional charges. See EFT short cut here.

You couldn't relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole--like the world, or the person you loved ~ Stuart O'Nan

I should be over this

I hear this all the time. So many of us feel that we should be over whatever it is because it happened so long ago or it wasn't that big a deal to begin with. But we feel what we feel. If it still bothers you that's enough for you to take it seriously enough to do something about it. And the thing we usually have to do to be over it is to FEEL it. The anger, the shame, the guilt, the feeling of being bad, whatever it is, feeling it helps us to move forward and heal the hurt.

Try saying:
It's ok that I have this ....
It's ok not to be over this ...
It's ok that this is still here ....
I can still love and accept myself if this ... never goes away

Are there any objections? Which sentence holds the most charge? That's where you could start tapping. You could also try tapping on the script below, making sure to customise it for you.

Even though I believe/think/feel I should be over ... I accept how I feel
Even though I'm still not over this ... and that makes me feel ... I accept how I feel
Even though this ... is still here and that makes me feel ... I accept myself anyway

Top of the head: I should be over ...
Eyebrow: Because ...
Side of eye: It's pathetic that this still bothers me
Under the eye: All these years later
Under the nose: It wasn't even that big a deal
Under the chin: If I compare it to ....
Collar bone: But that doesn't make me feel better
Under the arm: I just feel ashamed

Top of the head: That I'm not over ...
Eyebrow: I've never been able to feel ...
Side of eye: Maybe that's why it's still here
Under the eye: I have some unfinished business
Under the nose: It feels stuck
Under the chin: Because I haven't been able to face it
Collar bone: Or admit it
Under the arm: Or just feel it

Top of the head: It's ok to feel ...
Eyebrow: It's ok to feel frustrated that this is still here
Side of eye: It's ok to feel shame that I haven't gotten over it
Under the eye: All of my feelings are ok
Under the nose: They are just feelings
Under the chin: And it's ok to feel them all
Collar bone: Even if they feel difficult or painful
Under the arm: They're still my feelings

Some people think I should

be over my ex by now — maybe

I thought I might have been over him more

by now. Maybe I’m half over who he

was, but not who I thought he was, and not

over the wound, sudden deathblow

as if out of nowhere, though it came from the core

of our life together ~ Sharon Olds

Love yourself enough

To tell yourself your secrets. What you really think. How you really feel. What you really want. Whoever you feel you have to lie to, don't lie to yourself. Tell yourself the truth and observe any pressure or stress you feel lessening.

If I had just one word of good advice ...

I made a video a few years ago and don't know whether anyone really "got it".  It was an animation of just one word: feel.

I'm going to explain why I think feeling is so important. If trauma is unexperienced experience (Ivor Browne), then what helps us to experience anything? Yes, our feelings. We can't experience without feeling, it's just not possible. So, if dissociation, or not feeling, maintains trauma, what can help us resolve trauma? Yes, feeling can. That's how important feeling is to all of us. Feeling our feelings sounds simple but it is not always easy to feel the difficult stuff, that's where techniques like EFT can really help and in the hands of a good practitioner, ALL emotions will be welcomed so you can (re)learn to fully feel again.

The fuel of life is feeling. If we are not filled up in childhood, we must fill ourselves as adults. Otherwise we will find ourselves running on empty ~ Jonice Webb