Incomplete action

Trauma can occur when a response/action that you wanted/needed to make could not be completed. Usually because your flight and fight (or fawn/friendly) responses were thwarted by overwhelm, either physical or psychological, and you froze. The degree to which we freeze is proportional to how threatened we feel.

Overwhelm can often feel potentially annihilating, especially depending on our stage of development, and therefore will be avoided at all costs by whatever means possible. This avoidance, or dissociation, continues until we have the resources and support to digest the original experience(s) and how we responded to them.  

So we have two things to digest, the original traumatic experience(s) and how we responded, for which we often have a lot of self blame such as: I was weak, I’m bad, unlovable, I should have put up a fight, I should have said something, I just stood there, I’m ashamed and so on. In fact, these appraisals, can both predispose us to developing trauma and make it more difficult to recover from it. This is why developing a sense of understanding and compassion for ourselves and why we responded the way we did, is vital.

Trauma can occur as single experiences, and it can also be repeated over and over again. If trauma, particularly repeated trauma, happens at an early developmental stage, its effects can be devastating and can be particularly difficult to recover from, though certainly not impossible.

I think a major theme that is not often discussed in trauma is injustice. It’s unfair and unjust that children are robbed of a happy and safe childhood, that there is genocide, wars, that people go hungry and without clean water; there is so much injustice and unfairness in this world that it can be really hard to come to terms with and completely digest. 

Maybe the biggest sense of injustice when we’ve been traumatised is soul loss or susto; the loss of an essential part of yourself, or maybe not even having a sense of who you are to begin with. One of the biggest journeys we undertake when recovering from trauma is to embark on the journey back to our self, or to finding that self that we feel we’ve never known beyond the hurt. That journey is so worthwhile.

Don't distract yourself

I know this is easier said than done. But the more we distract ourselves from painful emotions and experiences, the more residue they leave in our systems. That residue accumulates, one experience after the other, on and on, ad infinitum, until we end up with overflowing systems that generate symptoms.

One of the most powerful things we can do is to learn how to be with difficult emotions and their resulting physical sensations. This is called self-regulation in psychological jargon.

It really is a life changer because it allows us to experience, digest and metabolise painful emotions and experiences without them building up and becoming painful symptoms. Feeling pain frees us from that pain.

They say we teach what we most need to learn and this is certainly true in my case. I needed to learn how to be with painful emotions and experiences without running from them, so I know the value of it in my life.  And I also know the price I pay when I don’t do it.

When you feel really upset about something, try and find a quiet place as soon as you can and feel what you’re feeling. It will calm down after a while, just wait and see. Tap for the courage to help you through this, do not tap to get rid of it, that just won’t work. Though of course you can tap on the feeling of wanting to get rid of it, that’s being honest with yourself, but there’s a subtle difference between the two.

You know that feeling of resistance that builds up inside your body when you approach something painful? It prevents you from feeling the pain yes, but it also prevents resolution of whatever caused the pain. So the pain just gets postponed for another day. It does not go away. Feel your pain, but go slowly and gently.

In two minds

Another very common reason for being/feeling stuck is to be in two minds about something. That’s when we realise that there’s a conflict, many times, conflicts aren’t in our conscious awareness, but they’re still being played out in our life as our being stuck and/or not wanting or not knowing how to move forward in our life.

We might not even want to admit to conflicting feelings we have about certain people or situations. We think acknowledging or admitting it, is going to somehow make it more real. But it is real because it exists within you and you’re probably suffering the effects of that reality.

I have found that giving yourself the permission to contemplate something, without necessarily having to, or forcing yourself to take action, can be very powerful. We think action has to be taken if we admit to an internal conflict, but we have the choice of whether to act or not.

Try the following script, making sure to customise it for you. Tapping diagram.

Even though I’m in two minds about … I deeply and completely accept myself 

Even though I don’t feel the same about … that I do about … I accept how I feel

Even though I’m conflicted about … I acknowledge that conflict(s)

Even though I don’t even want to admit to … I completely accept myself and how I feel about this

Top of the head: This conflict
Eyebrow: I don’t like how it feels
Side of eye: Can I listen to the two sides? (or more as the case may be)
Under the eye: It’s harder to listen to …
Under the nose: It’s easier to listen to …
Under the chin: Because …
Collar bone: I don’t want … to be true
Under the arm: Because …

Top of the head: Is it ok for me to feel ...
Eyebrow: And feel this other way too?
Side of eye: Can I give myself permission to hold two points of view (or more)
Under the eye: Until I stop fighting …
Under the nose: This conflict will continue
Under the chin: And I won’t be able to move forward
Collar bone: Is there some part of me that wants this?
Under the arm: Because I’m too afraid to move forward?

Top of the head: How does it feel to contemplate that?
Eyebrow: Can I hold this conflict?
Side of eye: Until I’m ready to decide
Under the eye: What feels better
Under the nose: I don’t have to rush anything
Under the chin: I can take my time
Collar bone: And that feels …
Under the arm: Am I okay with that?